*sad sigh*

It's such a beautiful summer day of August 1st, and yet where am I? I am sitting at home and aimlessly staring out of the window and sometimes into the computer screen.

Well, I should know better than with my social skills, I can't get anywhere further than the 60th level in Gothic 3, but still, it is like I would be forgotten by all and everyone. It's a nice day and I could think of dozens of activities to do outside, but what's the point of doing them if you are all alone in that? It's like swinging on the big, horizontal swings where one side comes down, the other goes up and so on. It's only fun when there are two; with one, they stand still.

So it is. I could, for example, think of going shopping. I have money for that, but it just isn't fun if you go alone, and even if you go alone, what's the point of doing it if none of those fucking clothes fit you anyway and if you don't like those idiotic accessoires?! What's the point of that? Should I go get groceries instead? Of course, I could just go for a walk, I have done it already today, but how many times can a person walk on the same fucking route without getting bored?

I am just antisocial. I have tried. In school, I tried for the first 4 years, then I just gave up because it seemed nobody had interest in me and I also didn't have any real interest in them. I have had like... 3 friends at school during the whole time I spent there. One from the 4th to 6th grade, one from the 8th grade to 9th grade an one in the 12th year. And that's it. Nohing more, nothing less. Others were more or less just classmates. The second friend developed better contacts with the others and so we were studying. I wouln't say I was living, more like existing as sort of the fifth wheel. I have been deceived a lot by people. The thing I ''liked'' the best was that I was never informed what the 2nd friend would do together with others. I can remember how we - the 2nd friend and two more ''friends'' - decided to go and see one of the Harry Potter movies, but, when the day came, she gave me a call ''Oh, hi! Turns out I won't be able to come. Hope you'll have fun, though.'' Me: ''Okay, sad that you can't come. I'm sure we will have fun :)'' She: ''Oh, about that... you know... we went to that movie last week... so... I hope you'll have fun...'' Me: ''I see... bye... '' It fucking hurts when people do so... :'(
The best friend that I have ever had, we were friend in the 12th year. We did have different interests aside from languages and politics, but at least she was honest...
It is also the reason why I am so careful on the internet. I better ask the person first, before I add them on Facebook. Because there is always that fucking question ''What, if they don't want me as a friend? I will just be the fith wheel again...'' For me, it is better to ask first: ''May I add you?'' and then act the one or the other way when the answer comes. If there is something in this world I don't want to, then it's forcing someone to be friends with me...

And still, despite my anti-sociality, I wish I had someone who would call me or write me a SMS and say like ''Hey, let's go for a walk together, I want to chat a bit''. Because, no matter how to hide it, it sometimes hurts to go outside for a walk and see people walking around in pairs or in big bunches, chatting and laughing while I have no other person to talk to ( except for that creepy imaginary friend who sometimes shows up xD ).
I would lie if I said I don't understand people who spend all their free time at Facebook and computer games. Because where else than those virtual worlds of WoW, Lineage, S.U.N or Raganrock Online can they meet other people if they are just like me? Hell, I'd escape there right now, too, if I had the chance and the resources to do so... I really wish I could do it...

It is very difficult. People also ask me, why I don't get excited about anything. Right now, two days are left till August the 3rd and new Lordi masks. I am not excited, with each new video I feel more and more like ''shut up already, people...''. Still, I am a fan, but at the same time I know I am the only fan who feels like that *sad sigh*
I have learned that I shouldn't get excited. I learned this the hard way. Every time I get excited about something, something always goes wrong and I am left on my own and ditched by everyone so I have no courage to do it again. I get deceived over and over, and over again and now have no wish to go through it again...

That's it... and it's still the nice sunny day of August the 1st... and I am still inside and staring out of the window and sometimes at the computer screen. I think.. you know, I don't think anything... I just keep existing.